I'm so Proud of the Woman I've Become : Gratitude
I am moved to document this moment of gratitude. I am so proud of the woman I am today. Like.....So proud! It started this morning when I finished my second journal. Filled up every page. It took me from April 2020 to July 2021. I wrote my way through this pandemic, which is still here. The Delta variant be all up in Bella Noches upsetting me and my homegirls.
Anyway, I am happy because I made someone else happy today. I find that it brings me so much joy inside, when I make someone else feel seen. I love when I make someone feel understood because I spent years in a relationship begging to be understood and it just wasn't gonna happen. So when I can give that feeling to family or friends, it really touches me. I want to bring that feeling to my art. The ideas that have been coming to me let me know that I am headed in the right direction.
My friend was going through a situation where she had been wronged. She helped someone in need, and they shitted on her in return. Had no regard for her feelings. They were once someone she cared about deeply. When someone disregards your feelings like that, it can be traumatic. You feel used & taken advantage of. It makes you want to guard yourself so that it doesn't happen again. It makes you want to make them hurt as much as they hurt you. Both of those reactions can be detrimental to yourself. Justified, but detrimental. If you put up walls, you may block people off from hurting you, but you also block people off from loving you the way you deserve. Trying to get revenge drains you of so much energy and you may or may not get it.
I had been in my friends shoes before. I let her know that this person that screwed her over will get what's coming to them because the same immaturity, ego, and pride that caused them to act tough with her, are the same characteristics that will bring them down. The same big and forgiving heart that let them manipulate her into helping him, will be the same heart that leads her to her future successes. They are right on the horizon. She's almost to the finish line and doesn't need to put energy into this distraction. That person will what they deserve and she will too. It made me feel great to pour into my friend. She felt good and much better about letting go of the anger and continuing to pursue her goals.
Being able to see how she has been working toward her goal and seeing how close she is to seeing it through to fruition is inspiring. I have so much confidence in her that it's going to happen. It makes me wonder why I don't get as excited for myself. I mean...I am excited about dropping my prints, but I get so filled with fear. I know my work is beautiful. I know my support system is solid. I know that my work will sell. I'm not sure where my fear comes from, but I will keep going. It just makes me so anxious and idk. I'll push past these feelings but I must admit this is one thing that I am petrified by. Selling something on my own. Being successful. My fear of promoting myself loudly sabotages my success. I will find a Brittany way to do it tho. I know I will.
Back to me being proud of myself. Another thing that makes me proud is my positive mindset despite everything that is going on. My daughter has been in the hospital for 2 weeks now. I don't know when she is getting out. Some how I am confident, strong and happy. I know she will be fine. I know she will get out. It hasn't weighed me down. I am fine. Sometimes I feel guilty about handling this as well as I do, because when I tell others about the situation, they get so sad and feel the need to offer sympathy like "awwwww". I appreciate it. I really do, but I don't need it. I'm good. It makes me feel guilty, like maybe I should be sadder, but then I snap out of it. I'm exactly where I need to be. Strong for my baby girl. She calls me for help and I got her.
Another thing. I was writing in my journal. I was talking about how this guy had disappointed me a few times and how our future was up in the air. In the past, when I had reached this point, I was super sad. It ruined my day. Maybe 2. I wanted it to work out so bad. This time, the future is in the air and I'm at peace with it. I like him a lot. I enjoy talking to him. He's been consistent up until this last disappointment. I think that maybe he is tired of making mistakes so soon, so he taking space because he thinks I feel a way. Yes, he did piss me off. I let him know where he went wrong. He acknowledged and respected it. I left it at that. The reason I say, our future is up in the air is because I haven't heard from him. I like him and I want us to be good and progress over, what I think, is a small hurdle. But I'm not reaching out. I want him to sit with his feelings. If he comes back to me, then good. If not, then it wasn't meant to be, and that's ok too. That doesn't mean I don't care. It means I'm not married to outcome. I'll be good regardless. I'm super proud of myself for feeling this way because I remember a time when I was married to a certain outcome and if things didn't pan out that way, I'd be so hurt. So this feels good. Really good.