Eddie is gone. It happened 1 week and one day ago. Eddie was my friend, ex boy friend, and father of my twins. We spent 10 years together, and knew each other for 12 years. I spent all my 20s with him. He was taken from us on August 28, 2021. I'm extremely hurt. I'm not crying at the moment, but the pain is there. Hovering over me like a dark cloud. A heavy storm ready to pour over me. For the past week, it's just been sadness. No one can tell. I carry it well. Not even on purpose.
Moments like this teach me a lot about myself. Before Eddie passed, my 7 yr old daughter had spent over a month in the hospital. We went through that as a family. Me, Eddie, my son, my mom, and my step dad. He and I were at John Hopkins in Baltimore every single day. He was present in his kids lives. He loved them so much. His son wanted to be just like him. I'm heartbroken for my kids. I will never forget the looks on their faces when I had to tell them they'd never see their dad again. During the time in the hospital, I noticed how non-emotional I was. how I just rolled with the punches. This is happening, this is the new normal. This is what must be done, so I will do it. I didn't cry. I didn't complain. I was quite proud actually. This?! This shit right here nigga?! (Kat Williams voice). What a punch to the gut. 2021 is tryna bring me to my knees. Tryna put me in a choke hold. Tryna take me out. But guess what. I'm going out kicking and screaming. I'm coming out on top. My clothes might be a lil ripped. I might have a black eye during this fight. A few scratches, but I'm still winning. I literally can't believe my nigga is gone. Like wow.
Like I said before, moments like this is when I learn the most about who I am deep in my core. I am strong as a muhfucka, you hear me? I have to be. Even if I didn't have to be, I would be. I really am stoic. I do have emotions. I do feel things. I just have really good control over my emotions. I shock myself for real. I thought something like this would break me. I am heartbroken. I am deeply saddened, but yet again, I know I will be fine. Life must go on. My babies take their cues from me. When I'm ok, they are ok. When they cry, I let them know everything will be ok, even when I'm not sure that it will. I'm shook. My system is unsettled. I'm scared for the future. I'm raising 2 humans alone without their dad. I can't believe this shit happened. Gotdamn!
Nobody really knows what to say to me. I don't blame them. I never knew the right words to say to others. Now I know that there are none. Nothing will make me feel better. Just be there. I know that for the ones I love, I will just be there. My presence is enough. It says more than words ever could. My sister hopped on the first flight from Phoenix. My best friend got right on the road and they both came to be by my side. My mom and step dad came to be with me at Eddie's funeral. Thank God for them. Words cannot express what that meant to me. My family is like no other. One of my friends from Shaw pulled up on me the night I found out. Smoke one with me. We just talked about real shit. I fuck with him for that. For real. I will do the same for him.
One tough thing to admit, is that I don't want to be alone at the moment. I'm usually a loner. I enjoy my space. I still enjoy my space, but right now, I need somebody at night. The silence is too much for me. My thoughts are too loud. I don't want to cry every night. I want to be held. I need to feel loved on.
One thing that sticks out in my head during this time. When my homie from Shaw pulled up on me that night. At one point, I was staring out the window, and he said, "I want to ask what you're thinking, but I know you won't tell me." I definitely did not tell. A few days ago my current love interest asked me "what's on your mind?" My answer was "nothing". He knew I was lying. Eddie's big brother asked me the same thing at their mom's house. I was just chillin the whole time. Just observing the family and looking off into the distance. He was wondering what was on my mind. I said nothing. He asked again when he gave me a ride to the hotel. I was just staring out the window, thinking. Again, I said nothing. He didn't believe me. I heard him say under his breath "you're interesting."
Even before Eddie passed, people would ask me "what's on your mind?". They always wonder what's in my head because I don't say, but they can tell I'm thinking. I've overheard my mom tell someone "you can never tell with Brittany because she's so quiet, but she seems ok." Indeed, I am ok. Eddie's brother told me that I always look like I'm thinking something that my mouth wont let me say. He was right.
Eddie. I miss you so much my love. This is the end of an era. We weren't in a relationship but we had love for each other. I was the love of your life. I am honored. You did not play about me. You taught me so much. You are a big part of the woman I've become. I will carry you with me. Your heart was good. I can't believe someone took you away from us like this. This is yet another lesson. I'm learning. You are forever in my heart. I love you.